Life and Death
What aches my head about life and death: When a human is wasting his life? Does working in a meaningless job, having a career or blatantly doing nothing, have anything to do with anything? We, humans, are the same matter as a swamp frog or microbes in a mud? Actually we are distinctly more similar to fungi than to plants? Is jizzing in a fertile love companion the only reason for life? As an individual and a proof, my kin goes backwards millions of years, so is it a miracle that i or anybody else exist today, even though earth is overpopulated?
I am watching a painting of a Ukrainian girl, made by Nikolay Rachkov. The girl in the picture is very ordinary looking and there are not any aspects which makes it interesting, except the painting job is quite realistic and there is something in the arrangement and the background. I have an impossible itch to meet this person, even though she is from a totally different time period (from the 1800s). I want to say hi to her, because in the painting she looks alive and well, even though she has been dead long before my time. I would like to ask, to know, what kind of person she is. What does she like to do or what is there to do in that time period in a Slavic realm? Is she ordinary or is there magic, which makes the world interesting to travel.
I watched a movie from 1978, The Panic in Needle Park, starring Al Pacino and Kitty Winn. Watching Kitty Winn has the same effect as in the painting of Ukrainian Girl. Kitty Winn is kind of a very ordinary looking woman, a talented actress no doubt, but her face has this charm, which reminds me of what life is all about. More fire to the woods is the fact that she stopped acting a long time ago and she "traded" her career to raising a family. She got what she wanted. She started her family almost the same age that I am today, and it brings out the same urges as the painting. I need to meet her just to get my reality right. What kind of person she is. Was the long time in a marriage and raising a family really worth it. What did she do on a daily basis? Was it like running on a treadmill, having ordinary things to do and relying on routines? Was it safer to have an ordinary life than having a flash in a film star career? There are lots more trivial questions to ask to map what kind of person she is.
Here i am, painting my miniature figures, drawing with wooden pencils, 3d modeling and doing all sorts of graphics. What is the point in that? I have never really achieved anything professionally, even though I am pretty good at what I do, although there are thousands as talented and skilled as/than I am. So it does not matter am i recognized or not, because there are lots more other people doing exactly same thing, some succeeding and some dont. That is life, little bit of luck and effort, and still all that is forgotten when time passes and u die with ur identity.
Looking to the future, when i am as old as Kitty Winn is today, when i know that time has gone and wondering backwards, did the life was worth it. It is depressing to think that far or near in the future, u have reached the end, and u are thinking of this moment now thinking of the future and what is possible to achieve.
I am now going to watch Lethal Weapon 4, just to sink all complex complications and emotions into a meaningless, empty entertainment.