The Life

What is life? Life is a progress of evolution to mold the future of organisms for greater existence and survival. But what about individuality? Does life have a purpose for a unit? It surely feels extremely personal experience, considering how sinister and dangerous our surroundings are. Can you really trust anything? Can you trust a fellowship? To some extent, yes, considering friends and family, but does it really give consolation to the grim dark fate we all are going to face? Absolutely not, of course if you are expert at ignoring it, then yes. What about the status of your life, does it matter?

I am a narcissist, who is working extensively to suppress the inner stem of vanity. I have always wanted to be the best of the best, to be a legendary or at least elite on something. Usually when observing other people, there are lots of people who triumph and some do not. In my case, it is somewhat sadistically hilarious to observe my own life goals to be failures, and actually see how these failures feel in contrast to an extremely narcissist tendency of craving for excellency.

When I was a child, I wanted to be the best ice-hockey player, and I was pretty good at skating and fast for using a hockey stick, but I never had a chance to play in an actual team. The reality check was the individuals who were playing in actual teams, who could beat me in it by physical profiles and skill. I always played solo, while hockey is about team play. I am glad I did not pursue it, because I played for myself, not for the team.

Later years I wanted to be the best at arts: drawing, painting or digital arts. The real fuel for my purpose was the reality that I managed to get into an arts academy, which was hard for me, but it actually deepened my delusions of being an influential figure in the arts. It was a great feeling though, to feel that this is it, I actually found it, I have a divine purpose, this is the sign and everything is possible between earth and sky. The signs were already from early childhood, everybody praised my artistic skills in paper and everybody supported it in school and home. But there was always a looming menace in the background. What if somebody is better, what are the odds? There was actually a person who was better than me in my childhood, who was technically better, mainly because he practiced more than I did, while I merely practiced in school when I had to and rarely in my free time. I was jealous of the opponent, but he was a good guy and I actually silently venerated him best I could in my narcissistic head.

In the arts academy, the self importance got a little bit out of hand. While I was there, while working really hard, my ego grew and grew, and I actually started to build a vision of being an elite “player”, maybe even a legendary artist among the greatests. Was the entry to the arts academy a divine sign or was it an odyssey? Yes, it was an odyssey, a zany trip to delusions. I had skills, but only in a class of thousands of other artists in the world, not including those who are actually even better. How did I know? The reality check was that nobody is interested in my work. I tried to seek display time in various galleries, but they were not interested. “The national gallery” said that I need to go through a ladder of lesser galleries and build some sort of CV. I asked from a couple of lesser galleries, but some never answered or there were time tables. From these, I made a quick judgment, that if my work would have made an impact or it would have had any artistic value, somebody would have paid attention. Even though the sample (galleries) was generally quite small, I drew the quick conclusion that nobody is interested. I understand that building an artistic profile might require lots of work, but at that point the well was already exhausted.

Does art need recognition? In my world, yes. What is the point of living if there is no grandeur? The life support of an artist, in my opinion, is that to produce art it stems from a well of motivation, and the well is filled by response and admiration of an audience. My well is depleted and all I can do is just to quit, because it was all about an odyssey. I had no grand plan for what other prosperous people had. The bone that is left is probably the evolutionary purpose. Just to acknowledge it and focus on death, because that is what life is about. To figure out death? Well I am pretty sure, with my way of life, I will not die within ten years. But there are lots of environmental effects which affect the end result quite drastically: diseases, pollution and people. My empirical view is that my genetic makeup is quite ordinary, so all these hazards have quite a good impact. I am pretty sure I will die in 20 or 30 years, although I want to live at least a little bit more than 40 years from now. Why? To test the time and evaluation.

Is it quite hard to sit down, look and see, to probe death for 20 to 40 years? Well, yes it is, at least for those whose interests are elsewhere. My current interests are in figuring out death, how and when it comes, because that is the way to be prepared. I am currently 38 years old, and I am fairly sure that my death is coming after 20 years, because of environmental effects (pollution and people). The point is not figuring out what is becoming after death, because that is just a waste of imagination (religion and other mumbo jumbo). The fact is that there have been people for millions of years on earth, and other life forms, and when I am dead, there will be others after me. Probably there will be blackness or incarnation, who knows, the identity is shredded and I do not exist anymore, and it is actually good, because my life had no purpose or grandeur. After my death, nobody remembers me, same as nobody remembers a person somewhere 2 million years ago. What is the point of sit and see? The point is to be prepared for becoming wrath, to be ready to die, to accept the horrors of losing self-preservation, losing the control of your life. Some say that “enjoy your life as long as it lasts”, but that is just a variation of attitude, something to do for someone who doesn't care or can not focus, or who is afraid of thinking about it (death).

Would it be easier to do a suicide? Practically yes, but if there is a creator, who tests you? Not referring precisely to any Abrahamic religion or other forms of imagination. It is just good to keep in mind that if there is something that tries to tell your purpose, and somehow guides you through life, and ending your life prematurely, would be a waste of the individual grand plan, and would be punishable by that creator. That is why death is something to fear, something to not take lightly. How to die? It is about preparing the mind for an equilibrium. You constantly know that you are inhaling toxic air (fibers, heavy metals, dusts, particulates, microbes, gasses …), all contributing to your death. It is 90% likely that you will die in a grand war. It is all about conquering fear. When you are in a battlefield, and a carpet bomb hits, you can close your eyes and accept it, because you knew this would be it.

Are these symptoms of loneliness? Would love save a lonely, depressed wanderer? It is surely something to do. Raising a family is a work, to generally waste your thoughts for. I do not generally believe in love, because it is a narcotic, to be dependent on something, like that would be the purpose of life, while it actually is not. Death is the purpose of life? An offspring is a good motivational, evolutionary concept for an individual who believes in it, but it does not save you from your doom. Also, it doesn't matter who breeds, because there would probably be someone who breeds anyway, and it does not have anything to do with you personally. Some people, like politicians or religions, these heretics of life, like to affect other people's lives, because it bothers them that you do not believe like them. It is a consolation against loneliness, that people gather around to feel unity in a dystopian world. Still, the individual life and death is a personal voyage. In other words, death comes within a person, while life comes outside of a person. Cynicism can be described as a great shield for defending fate. It is a heavy burden, but it is all you have in a lonely trip in a chaotic world, and it will ensure your safe journey to the gates of doom.